They Still Need Me

I can not even begin to describe the guilt I feel when (yes when) I get mad because my littlest won't stay in bed. And then there are nights like tonight where she just wants to "wock" (rock) in her chair with me. She usually wants to play a little but she does so with a whisper so I let her for a little while at least. Some nights I just can't muster the energy...most nights I make myself. Because I have learned that time truly flies when you are raising little ones. Pregnancy felt like it would never end...their childhoods feel like they're flying by. I try to enjoy every moment knowing that it will pass too soon and yet I fail some nights (and days for that matter) justifying it to myself by saying "You've done more than enough for the day" but still the guilt sets in at night, sitting here in the quiet. I like the quiet and sometimes I need the quiet. Raising a child is not about my needs though...I gave up that right, right?! I feel like every day is a constant battle to do everything I can for them while still making time for me...and my husband. Unfortunately, I fall short every day. Every day I am left wondering where I went wrong and why I am unable to do everything I feel like I should. The funny thing is that I am the only one who sees these shortcomings. And so I obsess even more. How am I so good at hiding my feelings and deficiencies from those closest to me? And why do I?

Both of my kids have different ways of letting me know that I am needed...and wanted. Sometimes emotions fly and/or voices are raised. Other times, cuddles and kisses are given with no strings attached on either end. Both methods get my attention although that attention looks different. You'd think being in a behavioral field that I would have it all under control but I don't. It's hard to be objective when it's your kid and you are in charge of their happiness and childhood and everything good (and bad) is because of you. It's a lot of pressure...A LOT! It's totally worth it but stressful and anxiety-inducing nonetheless. However, at the end of the day, all that really matters is my kids and husband know that I have tried my best...because I have.